trying to figure it out - still

i started medifast.  about 5 weeks ago.  i started out crazy strong, and lost about 17 lbs in the first 4 weeks.  so excited!  then, it took a nose dive into some fairly intense binge eating.  the most frustrating thing is that i know better.  i want so much more for and from myself.  

i'm making progress in so many areas.  i'm challenging the negative self-talk, i'm trying to overcome my emotional eating, and i am trying to figure out my real passion and dream.

there are few things more frustrating than losing control and feeling powerless to stop the action while in the middle of it.  like today.  yesterday was perfect, and today was as well until about 8pm.  then i ate what seems like a pound of granola - definitely not on-plan...   i was just feeling so hungry - i don't know why i didn't just have my next meal - 

i think i should try to figure out what was going on in my head in order to avoid a repeat.

some things i had been thinking about were the video clip of joanna gaines about how she felt god spoke to her about her purpose and her dreams.  i just wish i knew how to discover my own purpose - and/or how to realize my dreams.  then when i watched an episode, it was her talking about this dream of the silos.  the place for her business to grow.  i long for that.  i long for a creative outlet that enables me to explore my talents and my passion.  

i want to create beautiful things and spaces.  i want to learn to run a successful business.  i want to inspire myself and my girls to dream big and to trust themselves and their faith.  

i want to feel like the lord is speaking clearly to me and letting me know of my strength and my abilities.  

i want to run.

i want to feel free of this weight and this constant thinking about my size.  

i can imagine myself on our trip this fall wearing cute skinnies or a fun skirt and being unencumbered by feelings of self-consciousness.  

the voice that destroys

i'm not going to lie.  i am not anywhere near "on track".  it's like the minute i decide that i want to lose weight, and that i'm going to make healthy choices, i immediately go on an eating rampage and devour everything in sight.

it's ridiculous, really.  pathetic.

pause.

the negative voice in my head (which i really should just name, so that i can tell her to just shut up)  is screaming loud and insistent that i am a failure and that no matter what i do, i will always look like this.  and that anything of value or worth that i have to offer is null and void because at the end of the day i am still fat.

i can be a kind friend, a doting mother and wife, a talented woman - but because all of that is wrapped up in a big fat package - pbttth.  it negates everything else.

i read a book recently called "visions of glory" in which a man has had several near death experiences and in one, he sees the evil spirits that walk the earth - both those never born, and those who lived wicked lives - and he saw the frenzy that they went into every time they succeeded in provoking sin or destroying a soul.

i also remember the scene in "always", when richard dreyfuss' character dies and returns as a spirit to witness the lives of those he left behind.  he sees a man cheerfully going about his job, whistling, happy, content - and he says into his ear "why are you so happy?  look at yourself, you look ridiculous.  what do you have to be so happy about?"  and even though the man can't see him, the words penetrate his mind, he looks in the side mirror of the truck, and his face falls, and you see the defeat creep in.

that's me.  i am the one allowing the voice to control me.  i can excuse my behavior and feelings and say it's just the depression.  it's too hard.

but then i think about the image from the book.  or the scene in the movie.  and i realize that i am giving away my life to those influences.  God gave me the power to crush the head of any evil that tries to destroy me.  i have definitely let it bruise my heel, but i think it's about time for me to gather my strength and lift my foot and grind that head like a used cigarette.

i'm done giving away my life.

the reason for writing

originally, i had considered creating this blog as a place to document my weight loss journey (which i have yet to begin), but as i thought and pondered on it, i decided that this must be about more than just the weight.  if the transformation that i seek physically is going to happen, it is going to require so much more than just counting calories or detailing my daily food intake.  it is going to take a whole mind/body overhaul.  there will need to be a spiritual reawakening to the divine potential that is within me, and a connection to that Creator who expects me to honor this gift of mortality.  

so, the backstory: i was not chubby as a child.  i was a perfectly average sized teen, and at age 18-19, i was at my thinnest.  in high school, i never really had a negative body image - other than the fact that i had exceptionally thin friends so my perception of my size was a little skewed.  i suffered from a fairly low self image - i'm really not sure why - but it wasn't really associated with weight for me.

i married young.  after 1 year of college, and at age 19, i married the boy next door.  it was time for me to grow up.  i got a full time job as a receptionist, and - not realizing that my activity level had dramatically changed - i started putting on weight.  by the time i was expecting our first child 2 1/2 years later, i had probably gained 30 lbs.  by the end of that pregnancy, i had added an additional 40 to that.  much of it came off, but never back to my pre-marriage weight, and never even back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

up and down my weight would go, diet after diet was attempted.  a total of 4 kids later, and the weight hovered nearly 60 lbs higher than my dream weight for years.  every year that passed the self loathing grew.  the battles with depression, constant cruel self talk, and a general withdrawal from participating in life have finally taken their toll, and now, a disheartening 20+ additional pounds above my "hovering" weight, i am finally ready to change.  (if you're math challenged, that's about 80 pounds more than should be on this frame of mine - humiliating as that is to write)

my family and i returned from a vacation where there was one photo that was that final heartbreaking view of what i have really become.  most photos that i keep or post are taken at strategic angles.  

-calculated to disguise the pounds, the chins, the despair...

but this one is it.  the before picture.  the last before picture.

so.  this journey is all about the possibility of me and what i can become.  because it must be about more than my size.  it's time for me to discover who i really am and where my passions lie.  i'm turning 40 this year.  it's freaking me out a little. i love my life.  i'm married to the most wonderful man, and have 4 beautiful and amazing children.  but i am more than this.  there are so many parts of me that have been neglected - and the imbalance is wreaking havoc on my physical and mental health.  

here is where i will post links to inspiring articles/videos/podcasts/blogs and my thoughts about them.  it will also be where i post my thoughts about how i feel physically as i make diet and exercise changes.  hopefully it will be a place of inspiration, encouragement, and enlightenment.