so, the backstory: i was not chubby as a child. i was a perfectly average sized teen, and at age 18-19, i was at my thinnest. in high school, i never really had a negative body image - other than the fact that i had exceptionally thin friends so my perception of my size was a little skewed. i suffered from a fairly low self image - i'm really not sure why - but it wasn't really associated with weight for me.
i married young. after 1 year of college, and at age 19, i married the boy next door. it was time for me to grow up. i got a full time job as a receptionist, and - not realizing that my activity level had dramatically changed - i started putting on weight. by the time i was expecting our first child 2 1/2 years later, i had probably gained 30 lbs. by the end of that pregnancy, i had added an additional 40 to that. much of it came off, but never back to my pre-marriage weight, and never even back to my pre-pregnancy weight.
up and down my weight would go, diet after diet was attempted. a total of 4 kids later, and the weight hovered nearly 60 lbs higher than my dream weight for years. every year that passed the self loathing grew. the battles with depression, constant cruel self talk, and a general withdrawal from participating in life have finally taken their toll, and now, a disheartening 20+ additional pounds above my "hovering" weight, i am finally ready to change. (if you're math challenged, that's about 80 pounds more than should be on this frame of mine - humiliating as that is to write)
my family and i returned from a vacation where there was one photo that was that final heartbreaking view of what i have really become. most photos that i keep or post are taken at strategic angles.
-calculated to disguise the pounds, the chins, the despair...
but this one is it. the before picture. the last before picture.
so. this journey is all about the possibility of me and what i can become. because it must be about more than my size. it's time for me to discover who i really am and where my passions lie. i'm turning 40 this year. it's freaking me out a little. i love my life. i'm married to the most wonderful man, and have 4 beautiful and amazing children. but i am more than this. there are so many parts of me that have been neglected - and the imbalance is wreaking havoc on my physical and mental health.
here is where i will post links to inspiring articles/videos/podcasts/blogs and my thoughts about them. it will also be where i post my thoughts about how i feel physically as i make diet and exercise changes. hopefully it will be a place of inspiration, encouragement, and enlightenment.
