i'm not going to lie. i am not anywhere near "on track". it's like the minute i decide that i want to lose weight, and that i'm going to make healthy choices, i immediately go on an eating rampage and devour everything in sight.
it's ridiculous, really. pathetic.
pause.
the negative voice in my head (which i really should just name, so that i can tell her to just shut up) is screaming loud and insistent that i am a failure and that no matter what i do, i will always look like this. and that anything of value or worth that i have to offer is null and void because at the end of the day i am still fat.
i can be a kind friend, a doting mother and wife, a talented woman - but because all of that is wrapped up in a big fat package - pbttth. it negates everything else.
i read a book recently called "visions of glory" in which a man has had several near death experiences and in one, he sees the evil spirits that walk the earth - both those never born, and those who lived wicked lives - and he saw the frenzy that they went into every time they succeeded in provoking sin or destroying a soul.
i also remember the scene in "always", when richard dreyfuss' character dies and returns as a spirit to witness the lives of those he left behind. he sees a man cheerfully going about his job, whistling, happy, content - and he says into his ear "why are you so happy? look at yourself, you look ridiculous. what do you have to be so happy about?" and even though the man can't see him, the words penetrate his mind, he looks in the side mirror of the truck, and his face falls, and you see the defeat creep in.
that's me. i am the one allowing the voice to control me. i can excuse my behavior and feelings and say it's just the depression. it's too hard.
but then i think about the image from the book. or the scene in the movie. and i realize that i am giving away my life to those influences. God gave me the power to crush the head of any evil that tries to destroy me. i have definitely let it bruise my heel, but i think it's about time for me to gather my strength and lift my foot and grind that head like a used cigarette.
i'm done giving away my life.
